At the moment I should be home working on homework and putting some stuff together for one of my classes. Instead I’m sitting in my boyfriend’s apartment watching him play GTAIV with guilt that I am wasting 80 grand on something that I have no desire to do anymore. Sure, for three years is was a lot of commitment, sweat, stress, frustration and hair pulling, and having one year left doesn’t make me feel accomplished. I doubt that it will even a year from now. In the end I’ll end up with a company behind a computer stressing and pulling my hair out, or maybe I’ll be bald by then and I’ll have a drawer full of stress balls instead. Sure, as a graphic designer I could make a lot of money charging people thousands to millions to design a logo for them or a promotional ad , but in the end I don’t get credit for what I have done because the company will own it. I could do freelance on the side, but who has time to work full time, have a family, and work on the side for that extra cash? Those that love to design and who dedicate their life to it.
I want to have a family one day, and I want to be aware of everything that my kids are going through so I can be there for them. I want to be able to sit at peace with myself and just enjoy small things in life. I don’t want to just do one thing in my life, I want to do many.
Not many people realize that we may only live this one life. I’m not religious but I’m spiritual, and I’m not certain that there is much after this. Sure I want to believe that there is a Heaven and that we all go to some happy place after our death, but no one knows for certain. Yet, not many people realize that we should live our life, not live through it. By that I mean this; experience the things that we neglect daily because we are too preoccupied with worlds expectations, rules, and values that some of us don’t get or understand. Maybe that’s just me, but I’m sure there is someone out there like me who believes that there is more to life then money, power, recognition, and more money and power. All that has led us to last drops of our resources, more dependency on the higher power and less dependency on ourselves. Our world has become corrupted and everyone is ignoring it. Before people fought for their land, for their families and their life, now people fight because the other guy has better and more shinier things.
It all comes down to this; if you fight with words, you are a coward, if you fight with fists you are a warrior, if you fight with a gun, you are a murderer.
In the end, I question our ways of life. Why do we do the things we do when one way or the other if it’s not destroying our own bubble, it is destroying someone else’s. There are those that do small things to make good changes in our world, but that’s just 1-5 percent of our population. That will never be enough.
Sometimes I tend to sidetrack and go in billion different directions when I write. I’m an over thinker and maybe that one of my problems, but if I don’t think about these things, or people like me…who will? Defiantly not those in power. If they did, our world wouldn’t be turning into a graveyard, and I am talking politically here. It amuses me when I start talking about politics in a bad way and people think I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about. A lot of people think I have no idea about “real life” and how it is to “work hard” because I don’t take life “seriously”. I guess growing up in a war zone, never having a home, ripped away from my childhood, losing friends, moving on the other side of the world away from my own family, tends to make me enjoy small things in life that I don’t want to miss. Like watching my boyfriend play a simple game that leaves him in awe, or experiencing the age of 14 again, when things were all about cute boys and writing notes secretly in class, through my little sister, and even watching my rottie chase her own tail. Those that don’t know, it’s traditional to cut off rottweilers tails.
So what should I do? I wish there was someone that could give me insight in my own life and tell me that my thinking isn’t wrong and that I could live my life without money, and these rules of life that someone decided would be the right way of living.
Money shouldn’t have value, the plants that give us oxigen, you know the ones we kill to make the paper for money, should be one of the top things that we should value. I’m not saying we should all be hippies and tree huggers, well maybe tree huggers, I’m just saying that we are destroying one of the things that gives us our life. Next thing we will be shooting missiles and atomic bombs at our sun because it is sending us life threatening rays that are getting through our very thin ozone layer because we, as humanity, decided that pollution is the new black. But who needs clear air and a good, healthy life? We can always move to Mars!
he sat in the chair, shadowed by his own sorrow
letting the minutes pass by without a care in the world
no reflection of his feelings showing on his face
but he still waits for reality to take hold
the lamps flickering light doesn’t effect the trance
in his eyes that light reflects his heart
reminder that his hope is slowly giving up
so he waits for his world to fall apart
seeking for an escape she lays numb in her bed
hiding from the world is all she could do
remembering the past that made her heart bitter
yet that heart won’t forget something so overdue
the moonlight gives her no hope as it did before
nor does it answer her prayers, pleas, and cries
instead it highlights the scars left from the past
the evidence of promises that were nothing but lies
her heart is the one and only reason his still beats
hoping that one day that she finally understands
the reason behind the promised long wait
so he waits, leaving his life in her hands
the lamps light still flickers, slightly revealing his face
the lost eyes staring into this tomb of pain
pleading with the sad blues staring back at him
knowing that her image is what keeps him sane
staring out the window, nothing but him on her mind
searching for the little star on the left of the moon
knowing that little star will forever be theirs
just as his heart will forever play her favorite tune
for a moment she lets herself forget the past
allows herself to remember what his love feels like
but the fear of the possibility of not being his last
pulls her back realizing she could be just another strike.
